where are you?

i sure am stupid when it comes to men.
i never seem to meet anyone even remotely close to what i see for myself.
and maybe that is my fault.  i am so BEYOND picky.
but in my mind, what i want is soooo simple.
just really simple:

i want someone who can make me laugh hard.
i want someone who doesn't complain all of the time.
and if you are going to complain, at least make a joke of it.
someone who is happy with themselves before they meet me.
someone who works hard.
someone who has a light in their eyes.
someone who isn't just going through the motions.
likes to cook and just hang out.  or go dancing and drink beers.
someone who gets along with my friends.
maybe someone who actually cares about what it is that i want.  and asks me.
someone who can hold their own in a conversation.
someone who doesn't have shit-tons of baggage or things they want to cry about.
someone who doesn't get angry or like to pick fights.
no dramatic idiots.
or liars.  definitely no liars.  not even about little things.
preferably tall and a bit on the rugged side.
someone who doesn't walk on their tippy-toes.
someone who doesn't talk about their ex-girlfriends and/or ex-wives all the live-long day.
someone who doesn't disappear without a word.
someone who can grow a beard and chop wood like a real man (or at least fix the TV or something)
someone who dresses fairly nice but doesn't put gel or some crap in their hair.
a man who doesn't want me to be his mother.
someone who will pay for the first date and maybe even the second.  i've got the next two.
someone who can kiss me like they mean it.
someone who isn't sick all of the time.
or moody.
or mean.
someone who knows at least a little about what is going on in the world.
someone who is not religious, or worse...a republican.  *gasp*
someone who would make a good dad one day.
someone who likes dogs and would never ever think of giving their dog away because they moved into a new apartment that doesn't allow them.
someone who wears nice shoes and doesn't dress like an idiot.
(preferably wears some nice plaids and some good denim)
i mean, i don't want some kind of metro-sexual asswipe but how hard is it to dress somewhat stylishly?
someone who has a big heart but not a giant pussy.
someone that has all these things and is still willing to put up with someone like me.

does this exist?
if you have ever heard of anyone like this please let me know and i will not give up hope.
but i don't want to keep holding out for this person if they are not real; if it will never be close.
i just hate the idea of settling.
that seems so sad and i feel like i know a lot of people who did just that.
and when i am hanging out with someone and i have to start crossing things off this list one-by-one, i start to wonder if i am just being too hard on people or if i should just move on and wait for this mysterious person i have in my head that i am waiting for.
so i end up hanging around because there is really nothing better going on.  but i can't fully be present with that person because i know it's not right.
i just know.
but i am 31 and i have never really felt like i have met this person.  well, one time i thought i came pretty close.  but i ended up being really wrong about that in the end.

i am moving to the fucking mountains to meet a real man.  is that where they are hiding?

so...if you know anyone like this, please send them my way.
otherwise i am just going to give up and move to lubbock with amy and sit on the porch and drink wine and listen to records for the rest of our lives.

xo